That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
