we have pet lesbian snakes
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
