Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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