Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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