I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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