I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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