I am puke
Sponge bath it is.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
