She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
