I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so let's talk penis.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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