He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
