don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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