My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
