I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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