i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
