I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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