I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
