So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
