We won't sleep together?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
