I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
