I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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