this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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