I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
