Only a mothe r could love this liver
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
