he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize