Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
