so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
