im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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