Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
