okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
well you can't waste a boner
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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