I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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