just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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