you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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