Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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