My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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