i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize