woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
