It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
