Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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