An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
