Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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