Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
