WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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