Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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