this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
