I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize