I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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