if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
