Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
