One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
