I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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