I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
