the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
