there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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