so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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