my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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