Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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