Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
