Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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