Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
