my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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