ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
