from now on my penis is your penis
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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