On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
