I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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