Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
