whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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