She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
