Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
