apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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