the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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