He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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