I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
