I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
