Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
