she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
cat food counts as protein by the way
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
